Found this gem on Fark. The fact that I read Fark probably indicates that I’m not presidential material, but no matter. The article lists 20 questions that presidential candidates must not touch during a campaign. Since I feel like killing some time today, I’m going to look at them and see how I fare. Since I don’t feel like engaging in wholesale copyright infringement, I encourage you to open up the link to the article and compare their questions with the boldface items that I’m going to list below. Think of it as my way of keeping “fair use” fair. On the off chance that you’re feeling lazy, though, I’m including a brief summary of each item - again, be fair to the guy who came up with this list and actually look at it, okay? Okay!

So, let’s do this list, shall we?

#1: Sexual Non-Conformism (Personal)
SUMMARY: Are you straight and married? You better hope so.
WHERE AM I: I am straight. I was married years ago. I currently live with my girlfriend of three years. We’re monogamous.

#2: Sex Positivism (Socio-Political)
SUMMARY: The only time you can say “sex is good” is if you’re mentioning it within the context of a straight married relationship and the missionary position. Otherwise, forgetaboutit.
WHERE AM I: I think sex is outstanding. I don’t believe in open relationships - it’s been my experience that people are jealous creatures that don’t like to share, so having to share their most intimate relationship with someone else tends to end very badly. I think porn is great, though I’m not an aficionado myself. Teen sexuality is something that I’m lukewarm on - it’s been my experience that teenagers are clinically insane in every conceivable mental and emotional range imaginable; throwing sex into the mix, though generally unavoidable, is like adding burning napalm to gasoline. That said, since I recognize that teens have had sex as long as there have been teens, I’d much rather they were protected, which is why I’m all about educating my son about prophylactics when he gets old enough (he’s 4 - give him, oh, two more years).

#3: Open Borders
SUMMARY: People are coming in all the time and we’re not exactly stopping them. Why fight it?
WHERE AM I: I’m personally in the “legalize and document” camp on this one. I don’t want people becoming automatic citizens just for crossing the border; that said, as long as they’re willing to be documented, pay taxes, and do everything else that ordinary Americans do (save for vote), I see no reason for them not to stay. In honor of Heinlein, I’m even willing to throw in a “service means citizenship” clause - if you’re an immigrant and serve successfully in the military, you’re automatically a citizen. Let’s face it - if you’re willing to put your life on the line for your adoptive country, the least we can do is respect that and let you participate fully in it. That said, if you’re not willing to carry some basic identification and/or you’re not willing to pay taxes, go home. It goes without saying that attempting to undermine our nation through terrorist attacks and the like is also out.

4: “I Dig Pot and Shrooms”
SUMMARY: Everyone does ‘em, so why do we pretend we don’t?
WHERE AM I: I’ve smoked pot and didn’t particularly enjoy it. I’m scared to death of the concept of hallucinogenics, so I’ve never touched them. I consume alcohol from time to time (once every couple of weeks or so). My experience with pot has convinced me that there is absolutely no good reason for it to be illegal; it’s certainly no worse than alcohol. I just found my ability to self-dose with it somewhat lacking - I found it extremely difficult to get “comfortably buzzed” on it without spinning out. Your mileage may vary. I also think the “Drug War” is a rather effective vehicle for making felons out of numerous poor people, thus preventing them from voting, though I know this wasn’t its original or overt intent. Even so, it’s a rather nasty unintended consequence that we should really do something about.

5: No Athiests, Agnostics, or Pagans
SUMMARY: Be Judeo-Christian or forget about getting elected.
WHERE AM I: I’m an atheist. I guess I’m out. *smile* I’m also not inclined to pay “lip service” to it by pretending I’m Christian, either. I’m okay with people being Christian, though I may not necessarily agree with some of the nuttier ones; I’d like the same respect in kind.

6: U.S. Militarism
SUMMARY: We like throwing our weight around. Don’t mention that.
WHERE AM I: I think that, if we’re going to throw our weight around, we need to do so to accomplish a set of objectives that benefit us. If we’re not willing to do that, we shouldn’t be throwing our weight around.

7: Weird With a Beard
SUMMARY: Get clean-shaven. Fast!
WHERE AM I: I shave about once a week. I could shave more regularly if the occasion called for it, though. Growing a beard or any sort of facial hair is generally a “bad idea” on me, I’ve decided.

8: Daddy, Where Does Money Come From?
SUMMARY: People don’t understand money, so don’t talk about it.
WHERE AM I: I’ve taken some economics classes, so I have a basic understanding of modern economic theory. I made some poor choices in college, credit-wise, that I’m still paying off. As for whether we can handle money better… well, as much as I’d like to harp on it, we’re currently enjoying almost a century of nearly uninterrupted financial and economic progress, and as time has passed, recessions have become fewer and less damaging when they do occur. The downside, of course, is that we’re not experiencing as many wild booms as we used to, either, which is probably messing with people’s perceptions about money and the world. That said, I do find it distressing that many people don’t understand credit, rack up huge mortgages and credit card debt, and then ask the government to bail them out. Consequently, I think we either need to do one of two things: Either we stop bailing people out of their poor credit choices, or we require that people get educated about credit before they assume any.

9: No Muslims!
SUMMARY: Sorry, Barack.
WHERE AM I: Those Muslims that wish to practice the religion of Islam as a religion of peace will receive my respect. Those Muslims that wish to practice the religion of Islam as a religion of nationalism and hatred will face the full range of the vast American military machine.

10: Stop The Drug War
SUMMARY: Why are we fighting the Drug War?
WHERE AM I: The Drug War, in many respects, is completely pointless. Criminalizing drugs has simply led to the locking up of numerous impoverished people and reduced their employment chances to the point where selling drugs remain their only option to survive. That’s ridiculous. I favor a slow rollback of the Drug War, starting with marijuana, and working our way back as circumstances dictate. I want it to be fairly cautious, though, because undoing something as big as this will lead to all kinds of interesting and unintended consequences that may or may not be all that pleasant, and I’d rather we handle those consequences when they’re still manageable than just blast ourselves with them wholesale.

11: Bloated Military Budget
SUMMARY: Wow, we spend a lot of money on the military. Why?
WHERE AM I: I think the military is a good place to start looking at federal largess. I’m personally just as concerned with the amount of money we pump into federally-sponsored health care and the social welfare state, and would like to see reductions in funding for all of these programs. I suspect that much of the trouble we’ve had with our health care system is due to the system knowing that, as a last resort, the federal government will always be willing to spend X amount on a procedure - if we remove that from the equation, health care prices can adjust downward accordingly. As for the military, it’s a very expensive and highly effective security blanket. Military spending is also frequently the genesis of numerous technologies, including the Internet, GPS, and Doppler radar, among others. Even so, we do spend an awful lot on it, and a lot of the money we spend goes to projects that are rather unnecessary, so I’d like the opportunity to look at that and clean that up.

12: Question Israel’s Authority
SUMMARY: Is Israel really that great?
WHERE AM I: Well, let’s see here… they’re the one power in the entire region that actually shares our values and a system of government similar to our own. All of her neighbors are either dictatorships or absolute monarchies that, at various points in history, have tried to undermine our systems with varying levels of success. Gee… I wonder why we usually take Israel’s side? Do I think Israel is perfect? No. Am I fond of their “solution” to the Palestinian “problem”? No. Do I think that the other countries in the Middle East are going to stop using Israel and the US as a scapegoat for their failed policies, even if Israel and the US does everything that they ask us to (which we wouldn’t want to do anyways, unless you’re into sharia)? Heck no.

13: Vote for me — I’m smart!
SUMMARY: Why the f— do we keep voting for idiots?
WHERE AM I: Because smart people tend to be pretentious, condescending know-it-alls that think they have expertise in fields that they wouldn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. Take, for example, computer guys that think they know enough about politics to become President of the United States. What’s up with that? Seriously, though, more smart people would get elected if they stopped equating intelligence with “my ability to know what you need more than you do.” Really smart people let everyone else do their own thing and not climb on their backs about it. I like to think I’m really smart.

14: Let’s Have More Democracy!
SUMMARY: Why don’t we have more democracy?
WHERE AM I: Because majority rule is an absolutely lousy governing system when you’re a minority, and sometimes everyone IS wrong. I do think there need to be some serious reforms in our system, though. For example, candidates from outside the major parties should have the same access to a ballot as the major party candidates, and I don’t mean that in a “well, if they’re willing to pay a $200 million fee and get 100,000 signatures on a petition, they can show up too,” sort of way. I’m thinking more of a, “If you’re willing to cover the cost of putting you on the ballot, you’re on it,” sort of way. Also, I think the primary system is inherently broken in its current state - any system that says that all politicians must first pander to the “true believers” of the party platform before being allowed to show up on a ballot is going to lead to nothing but divisive hand-wringing as everyone tries to cozy up to the “true believers”, whether they be PETA or the Moral Majority. We need to come up with a system that prevents interest groups from having a disproportionate voice in the system just because they’re a little louder and a little more passionate than everyone else. I think a good start would be to eliminate the “winner-takes-all” nature of the Electoral College; though I understand why it was created in the first place, it’s turned into a bastard child of what the Founding Fathers intended and nobody wants it to be what the Founding Fathers intended anymore, so let’s scrap it. I also think the French system of having two elections - one with a bunch of candidates, then the two top vote-receivers running in a run-off election - might be incredibly useful for our purposes. I’d like to spend a little time looking at the results of the French system before I sign off on it, though.

15: The Nanny State
SUMMARY: Does the federal government need to get involved in everything?
WHERE I AM: No, it really doesn’t. If you want to smoke, live off of Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese, have nothing but biscuits & gravy for breakfast, and drink nothing but double-malt whiskey, more power to you. Just don’t come to me to cover the medical costs of those decisions, otherwise I’m going to want to ask a few questions… which is why we have a nanny state in the first place. As long as the federal government is paying for everything, it’s going to have a say on everything. If you want it to stop, stop having the federal government pay for everything. Simple as that.

16: “Think of the Children!”
SUMMARY: What’s up with all the “family values” nonsense?
WHERE I AM: I have a son, so I think family values are great. I also don’t think they come from any form of government, at least in any official capacity. Furthermore, I don’t think it’s the government’s responsibility to determine what forms of entertainment are acceptable for my son to consume, what foods he should eat, or how much exercise he receives. Then again, as long as the government is paying for (or has the potential to pay for) his schooling, his school lunches, and his health needs, well, I guess they’re going to get a say whether I want one or not, won’t they?

17: The Great Gun Debate? Irrelevant!
SUMMARY: Most people don’t want to give up all guns, and most people don’t want automatic weapons on the street. Why do we have to give lip service to this debate?
WHERE I AM: Most people don’t want complete prohibition of all mind-altering substances (caffeine, alcohol, etc.) and most people don’t want complete legalization of every single drug under the sun. Yet, the fact that we don’t have a debate on drug laws is hurting this country. Personally, I’d rather have a little debate on gun issues than have no debate at all.

18: Are Our Leaders Accountable?
SUMMARY: What does a guy have to do to get fired at that job?
WHERE I AM: Though I’m all for accountability, who’s going to provide it? Congress? The Supreme Court? The people? Well, the law already gives the people the ability to maintain accountability by voting presidents in and out of office every four years. Congress is highly politicized, so if enough people from one party were in there, they’d find a way to kick the President out if he/she was from the opposing party; proof of that would be all the hand-wringing over “Monicagate”, “Whitewater”, Bush’s performance in Iraq, and so on. As for the Supreme Court, I’d much rather they focus on the law and not on who’s running the country since, well, their job is to focus on the laws of the country.

(Hey, I’m running for this office. Do YOU think I want to be accountable once I get there? Of course not! Think, people!)

19: The Prison-Industrial Complex
SUMMARY: Why do we lock so many people up?
WHERE AM I: See #4 and #10. No more Drug War = fewer people arrested for drug crimes = fewer people in prison. Not complicated.

20: I Shouted Out Who Killed The Kennedys
SUMMARY: Who killed JFK and MLK?
WHERE AM I: I was born in 1980. I don’t care about who shot JFK, MLK, or even John Lennon, for that matter. What I care about is if there is something we can learn from JFK’s brief stint as President, if there’s something we can learn from Martin Luther King Jr’s example and message, and if there’s something we can learn from Lennon’s horrible taste in women.

That’s it! Based on my answers, it looks like I’m very much a “fringe” candidate. So, who’s feeling “fringe” with me?

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