I was meditating upon the Two Doggesses, pondering the deeper nature of pork and pork treats, when I realized something:

I was hungry.

The meditative session led me further down this road, exploring all the possibilities available to me to rectify this mildly unpleasant situation, when I remembered something that my ESO mentioned to me. See, the ESO is taking Italian this semester, and one of the things she’s learned is that, in Italy, they like to put prosciutto on damn near everything. An interesting combination she taught me about was prosciutto-wrapped cantaloupe. Since stomach was of the essence, I decided it was high-time I make sure she wasn’t pulling my leg.

She wasn’t.

I briefly meditated on this, allowing the folds of the thought to caress against my mind, when another thought entered my head: I hate cantaloupe. Consequently, there isn’t any in the house. There were, however, some apples - red delicious ones, to be exact… which is how this was born:

That’s right - prosciutto-wrapped apple slices. I then proceeded to eat one.

Verdict: There’s a reason the title of this post isn’t, “The most delicious food I have ever eaten!!!” I’m not kidding. Imagine, for a second, if you took a fresh, crisp apple, sliced it up, and then wrapped it with something that tasted vaguely of either cheesy pork or porky cheese, had the texture of melted cheese, and which, when you bit into it, would fight you like a thin slice of deli ham. Sounds delicious, right? No? It doesn’t? Could there be a reason for that? Of course not - that would make sense!

Now, don’t get me wrong - I love prosciutto. There’s a reason it’s in this house, and it’s not my ESO; she hates pork. I’m not kidding here. In fact, I happily snack on the stuff plain. It’s glorious. However, unlike all of the colorful descriptions of prosciutto and cantaloupe I saw, about how the flavors compliment each other and balance each other out, prosciutto and apple brings out the absolute worst in each other. You’re basically eating something that starts off mildly salty and meaty, then gets really crispy in a hurry, and then releases a bunch of insanely sweet apple juice, which blends with the porkmeat absolutely not at all.

I highly doubt that anyone that reads this blog was ever seriously thinking of combining these two foods. However, on the off chance that someone out there woke up this morning and thought to themselves, “Wow, if prosciutto is delicious with cantaloupe, how would it be with an apple?”, well, the answer is, “I don’t know how it is with a green apple, but, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t use the red ones.”

This public service announcement has been brought to you by David Colborne’s Stomach and the People’s Committee To Feed David Colborne.

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