How the hell did I miss this?

Here’s what Dictator Lukis would do:

1. Banish Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand, and anyone else who needs it to the Isle of Cuba. Permanently.

2. Turn half of all golf courses into free-range dog shelters.

3. Implement the No Babies for You Program, which involves mandatory sterilization of every citizen at puberty, only to be surgically reversed upon reaching the age of 25, having $10,000 or more in a cash account (in addition to paying for the surgical reversal out-of-pocket), holding full health coverage, being married, and passing an IQ test with a result of over 100. At least. Within 10-20 years, this will automatically eliminate the vast majority of abortions, welfare, gangbangers, and so on.

4. Legalize, regulate, and tax the living SHIT out of marijuana. Use the profits to eliminate the federal deficit. I’m almost not kidding; it’s probably possible. People like to smoke dope.

5. Require every voter to pass a political science test before voting. If you don’t know what communism did to the world in the 20th century or what socialism is doing to it in the 21st century, no vote for you. Go home and start reading books.

6. Quadruple the pay of all military personnel. Also impose a salary cap on the amount “entertainers” are allowed to be paid for being nothing more than performance monkeys.

7. Capture every illegal immigrant and make them build an actual physical wall the entire length of all our borders. When they’re done, put them on the other side of it.

8. Eliminate criminal liability for people who realize the only way they’re going to get through that aisle at Target is to ram the oblivious asshole blocking it with your cart.

9. Free tacos for all citizens every third Tuesday.

10. Forget that “temporary” shit. Make self Dictator for Life.

Sadly, instead of picking this up from The Source, I instead stumbled across it via The Everlasting Phelps.  That said, partly because I’m feeling very feisty from actually having a relaxing weekend, and partly because I’m just feeling contrarian, I offer the following thoughts on Her Commandments:

1. I would not want to put Cuba through that.  They deserve better.  North Korea would be a more fitting home, anyways.
2. I’m all for pet shelters and the like, and I don’t like golf courses, but I just don’t see this ending well… it’s not like golf courses are that enclosed, y’know?
3. I’d be lying if I said I had a balanced view of her position on this one.  Let’s face it - I wouldn’t have a child, much less one on the way, if I had to wait to get $10,000 in cash.  Thanks to the miracle of student loans, I’d probably be sterile until I turned 50.  Furthermore, reproduction is a very touchy thing.  Even if you were Supreme Dictator, trying to implement a policy like this would get you nuked from orbit by the Military Junta that was about to replace you.  Heck, even Battlestar Galactica admitted that openly banning abortion would lead to Gaius Baltar becoming a viable candidate for President of the Colonies.  I’d rather not take that chance.  Besides, history is all about numbers - the culture that breeds the most wins the most.  That’s why Europeans overwhelmed the Native Americans, why we nearly overwhelmed Africa, and why we never really had anywhere near the kind of control we wanted over Asia.  This is also why India is going to kick China’s ass in about 20 years.
4. I’m in.
5. Sounds decent, except I doubt we’d get the people we’d want making those tests, much less grading them.
6. I think military personnel should definitely be paid more, and I’m all for taxing entertainers.  I may have a better idea, though… perhaps we should just make entertainers become members of the military?  Once you achieve a certain level of notoriety, you’ll be immediately drafted.  You and your fellow entertainer buddies will be put in a special company/platoon/battalion/whatever unit seems appropriate given the numbers, at which point we will ship all of you to the hottest, nastiest, most brutal war zone.  There you will serve, without leave, for a period of five years.  If you survive, you will be free to return and resume your career.
7. No - they’ll build in their own holes.  Not prudent.
8. They’d be criminally liable?
9. If all the illegal immigrants are building the wall, who the hell is making the tacos?
10. Heh.

Now, considering the theme of this blog and all, I’d be remiss if I didn’t employ a little bit of this fun myself…

1. Borrow Rachel’s #4 - Legalize and tax the shit out of marijuana.  Seriously, people would instantly make me Supreme Dictator for Life.
2. Cancel all farm subsidies.  Thanks to #1 (or Rachel 4), they won’t need them anymore.  Seriously, it’s not called “weed” because it’s hard to grow.  This would also include any federal support for ethanol.
3. Free trade for all!  I would match tariffs and quotas with any country that has them.  If a country chooses to reduce their tariffs and quotas to zero with us, I’ll gladly follow suit.  As an added bonus, this would also drive all unions into some sort of shock or something.
4. Make all immigrants that are willing to let their DNA get collected and saved in a national database become immediate legal immigrants.  They would not be citizens, mind you - that’ll come with naturalization - but they’d get an identification card and a Social Security card.  They would also have to pay taxes just like everyone else.  Everyone else gets deported.
5. Invade France.  Every other dictator does it.  It’s like a rite of passage!
6. Kill James Bond.  I’d make it a point to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible.  No elaborate schemes.  No giving away plot points.  Just do it and get it over with.  I don’t want him messing with my plans.
7. I suppose I should come up with something that will eliminate abortions, gangbanging, and welfare right here… I’ve got it!  Legalize marijuana!  It’s kind of hard to get pregnant if your boyfriend is sterile, it’s hard to kill someone when you’re stoned, and it’s hard to get on welfare when you’re too stoned to fill out the paperwork.  Brilliant!  Wait… I already used that one… in that case… I would create the American Foreign Legion.  If you become a felon, you automatically are drafted into the American Foreign Legion.  Just like the French Foreign Legion, you would be sent to do all kinds of unspeakable acts against indigenous populations for, oh, 20 years at a time or so.  It’ll be fun!  Think of all the countries we could destabilize!
8. Abolish political parties, including my own.  I don’t approve of threats to my regime.
9. Annex Mexico, rename it so that it becomes “Texas”, then make Oklahoma annex the real Texas.  This would thoroughly piss off just about everyone I want to piss off in one fell swoop.  I would then declare that the English version of the phrase, “Everything is bigger in Texas” would be forbidden.  The only acceptable form would be, “Todo es más grande en Tejas.”  Oh yeah… people would really hate me then.
10. Ban toe nails… because every dictator needs an eccentric law of some sort under his or her name.

Yeah, that list would lead to a short, painful, destructive reign.  I like it!

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