Getting back into the swing of the blogosphere after a week-long absence is not entirely dissimilar to merging on to a freeway while doing 35 MPH - if you plan on not getting run over, you better damn well hit the accelerator and hard.  To that end…

Rachel Lucas gets really, really close to a very important point:

So there’s really not a lot of mystery about what everyone agrees a “real” man is. We all know “real” men are:

Mentally, emotionally, and intellectually strong, even if not physically (crippled and elderly men can still be “real” men). Hardworking, honorable, honest, dutiful, protective of family and country. Brave, courageous, rational, reasonable, kindhearted, and respectful. Knowledgeable about how to survive in rough times and how to solve problems. And so on.

What I started wanting to know when I was about 16 was just how in the hell any of those things were (or should be) exclusive to men. I realized even then that in fact, they are not. All adults should have every one of those personality and character traits as a matter of course.

So then I started wondering why anyone bothered with the phrase “real man” at all. Don’t they just mean “real adult”? As a young girl, shouldn’t I strive to be exactly the kind of person I kept hearing a “real man” would be? I thought so, and I still do. Maybe that’s why you never hear me whining about how my butt looks in these jeans or crying that no one pays enough attention to me. Who gives a crap? I don’t need any reassurances about silly shit because apparently, I am a “real man”, secure in my own “manliness”. Even though I’m a woman.

I say close for a reason:

Now, what the fuck? Why can’t I just say I’m a “real woman”? Because no one ever talks about that. Except in the context of how “real women” have curves and “real women” don’t look like Heidi Klum. Of course, of course it always comes back to looks and sex when you’re talking about women.

Here’s the deal - I know that everyone likes to belong to some group or some tribe.  I understand that, historically, men and women had distinct roles - men were the breadwinners while women were the homemakers.  What almost everybody seems to forget is that this division of labor is only a division of labor, not a division of responsibilities.  Consequently, talking about “manifestos for men” or “manifestos for women”, as if men and women are really different enough to require entirely different assumptions of behavior is absurd.  It’s not about being a “real man” or a “real woman”.  It’s about being a “real adult”, a concept which seems to be completely missing from a lot of people’s lives.

I’m going to lay it out right here and now - I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, you should not:

• Completely ignore basic hygiene.  Being a guy is no excuse to not take care of yourself a little.
• Not know the absolute basics about maintenance of anything you own.  I’m not saying everybody should know how to disassemble a DVD player, but everybody (man or woman) should at least have a basic understanding of how to check their oil, where the fuse box of their house is, be able to cook something, and what to do with a hammer and a set of nails.
• Fly off the handle or panic whenever something goes wrong.  I don’t care if you’re a man, woman, or hermaphrodite, that is absolutely no excuse to become hysterical.  Take a deep breath, shut up, and get over it.
• Assume that because you’re having an emotion, you must react to it.  This bugs me to no end.  At some point, it seems that most people just collectively decided that, if they’re feeling something, they must respond to it, as if emotions are somehow sacrosanct or something.  I suspect it has something to do with the so-called “Holy Ghost”, where so many people were taught that there is this little voice that instinctively tells you whether something is right or wrong.  Well, guess what?  Instincts suck. Your instincts will tell you that you should go hit on that hot blond over there.  Instincts will tell you to load up on extra bacon with your hamburger.  Instincts will tell you that you should sit on the couch instead of going for a walk.  In short, instincts tell you all kinds of things that are completely and totally wrong.  What separates the men from the boys, and the women from the girls, is the use of reason.  Reason, you see, is that hopefully-not-so-little part of you that lets you take a look at what’s going on around you, processes it, and tells you what you can do to benefit yourself, both short term or long term.  It can be wrong from time to time, and, in fact, probably will be, but I guaran-GOD DAMN-tee you that it will be wrong far less than any gut emotional reaction you’ve ever had.  The use of reason is not an explicitly male trait - it’s an explicitly adult trait.
• Assume you don’t have to work.  Housework is hard.  That’s why nobody likes to do it.  In fact, work in general is hard - that’s why it’s work.  If it wasn’t work, we’d call it something else, like play or fun.  I don’t care how pretty you are, you better do something useful.  If it’s make more money than me, I’m okay with that, but it better be something.  “Looking good” is not useful, and, even if it were, you will fail at that after about 10-15 years, so, uh, if that’s all you’re good at, don’t be surprised if your wrinkly useless-assed bitchiness is suddenly and wantonly abandoned for someone else who does your “job” of “looking good” better than you… and, I guarantee you, for enough money, we will always be able to find someone that looks better than you.  Always.

Look, I can go on like this for hours, but I’m going to stop now.  Here’s my point - Cassy, Melissa, Rachel… heck, even Dr. Helen, you’re fighting the wrong war.  It’s “us vs. them” all right, but it’s not “men against women”, or “real men against fake men” or anything of that sort.  It’s adults vs. children, and I, for one, not only refuse to lose to my intellectual and emotional inferiors, but I refuse to let my enemy misguide me into fighting a war that doesn’t exist.

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