May 20 2008
Things a Woman Should Never Do in the Company of a Man
I think I’ve discovered a Microsoft product that bugs me more than Vista… and that’s really saying something. That’s right - I’m talking about MSN, home of the misandrous womyn wryters of Beaverton, who come up with random garbage like “Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman” (H/T Trying to Grok). So, without further ado, being the delectably misogynistic asshole that I am, I bring to you…
Things a Woman Should Never Do in the Company of a Man
- Reveal how much Daddy paid for your car.
- Clean your scented, aromatic potpourri candle.
- Dust your high school yearbook, containing that picture of your “hot date from prom” that we will never be able to un-see again.
- Refer to your mother as your best friend. It’s bad enough dealing with you - do we really have to deal with her nuttiness, too?
- Hoochy Dance
- Check out our supervisor/roommate/mechanic.
- Question our footwear. Mandals with socks are perfectly acceptable. Get over it.
- Blow dry your pubic hair.
- Tip the cute waiter at Olive Garden more than 25%.
- Celebrity impressions… of characters from any show that’s on CW, Logo, Lifetime, or Oxygen.
- Impressions of us. Me Testiclees. You not.
- Forget to carry cash, plastic, and driver’s license while possessing a handbag that is larger than a military issue backpack and apparently only contains make-up and make-up accessories.
- Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it’s just a human milk dispensary and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction.
- Laugh at video games
- Gay Pride parade
- Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Jessica Simpson. Because, no matter how much Jessica deserves it (stupid!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we’re in for.
- Talk about former exploits. Ever.
- Use the words stupid, asshole, jackass, or neanderthal, unless referring to another woman.
- Tell us you’re going to fornicate with us (Just do it already!).
I’m so glad I could finally set some boundaries. Seriously, women piss me off. Especially liberals. Liberal women piss me off. They think they’re saving the world, but they’re just making drum circles in their backyards and smoking weed…
1. I revealed that I paid 4 grand to buy my sister’s car. Am I busted?
2. N/A
3. I don’t want anybody seeing pics of me in my big plastic moon glasses anyway.
4. Parents are narcissistic parasites that display the habit common of their kind of pouncing on their kids’ friends and either claim them as THEIR best friends or flirt with them. So you’re screwed either way.
5. Salsa Dance
6. Hey, we like to look too!
7. Fine, don’t cry to us if you stubbed a toe that the sock fail to protect.
8. Not even going there.
9. Money is mine. MINE!
10. Whew, Marvin the Martian is in the clear then.
11. N/A.
12. I “forget to carry cash, plastic, and driver’s license” once I realized the guy is a major douche that I need to lose.
13. Deal. We leave it alone if you leave little colburn alone.
14. But…but…it’s so cute!
15. My eyes my eyes!
16. Another deal, I don’t raise my voice and you don’t raise your voice.
17. Deal number 3. I hate it when guys talk about their unfaithful wives or their bitchy ex wives, it makes me feel like they’re looking for pity sex.
18. What about referring those words to other liberals? Even the male ones?
19. Teasing is never a good idea.
Heh. Awesome!