Jun 01 2008

All Hands Abandon Shit! All Hands Abandon Shit!

Published by David Colborne at 11:44 pm under rants

Oh dear, sweet zombie Jesus… why, oh why, didn’t someone warn me that the fifth elephant of the apocalypse had arrived?

Guys, you can survive ‘Sex and the City’

Seeing the movie about Carrie and Co. won’t cause irreparable harm to any man — even though it is a tad long at 21/2 hours.

Wait - time out… there’s a movie to this shit?  No… that can’t be… that’s impossible!
Man should not live by bread alone. Every once in a while, he should turn off The Game, ditch the remote, put on some clean clothes and embrace his feminine side.
No.  No, he should not. Shut your blasphemous mouth, your metrosexual assbreather!
Holy shit - according to Firefox, assbreather is a word!  Yes! This is the kind of insight you don’t get anywhere else.
That’s what one man set out to do Friday when I journeyed to Glendale and dived into the first-night frenzy of “Sex and the City”.
You are no longer a man.  Please turn your testicles in to the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic.  Thank you.
Following in the steps of the countless legions of rabid female fans and their gay male comrades who packed theaters around the country to worship at the spiky heels of Carrie Bradshaw & Co., I wanted to see if I too could get “Carried Away.” Accompanying a female posse of devotees, my attempt at a Girls Night Out hit a few bumps.
They’re called breasts. If you were actually a man, you would’ve noticed them.  In your defense, though, the raging sea of estrogen that you inexplicably and voluntarily waded into undoubtedly affected your vision and libido.  For that, I will forgive you… kind of.
Just thinking about this undertaking probably horrifies the multitudes of proud beef-eating men who would rather endure a thousand shopping trips with their significant others than spend more than a minute with the “Sex and the City” crew. Weeks before the opening, in locker rooms and around water coolers, they spread their anti-”Sex” venom, declaring, “Heck, no, we won’t go.” Only they didn’t say “heck.”
“Horrifies” isn’t quite the word I’d use.  Of course, writing that sentence while South Park was on and Mr. Garrison said, “What’s that?  If you love your penis, let it go?” probably isn’t helping my sense of sanity much.  I’ll also point out, right here and now, that any significant other that comes up to you and says, “We should see this movie together!” should immediately become as insignificant as possible.  Forget the children - they’re acceptable losses. They need to see that a man can stand up and say, in a proud voice, Fuck no!  I won’t go!  Now get back into the kitchen and bake me a PIE!
As an aside, isn’t Sex & The City kind of the female version of Rev. Wright’s church?  I really think so.
Oh Zeus… it gets worse…
However, there exists a quiet ya-ya brotherhood of straight men who have a divine secret: They can enjoy “Sex and the City” even without female coercion or guidance. The writing on the HBO series was often clever and snappy, the women were smart and attractive (I always had a weakness for Cynthia Nixon’s Miranda), and the show provided valuable insight into how women view men, love and relationships.
I’ve seen some episodes, so I can definitively say the following:
  1. The writing was neither clever nor snappy.
  2. The women were neither smart nor attractive.  This goes double for Sarah Jessica Parker.  I don’t care what Rachel has to say on this subject.
  3. The show provided “valuable” insight on how women view men, love and relationships in much the same way that Cosmo does - not at all.  Put another way, the kind of women this show might provide valuable insights into are precisely the kind of women you should avoid like the leprous plague bearing vermin they are.
For whatever it may be worth (answer:  not much), the local rag got into the moment as well:

OK men, you know it’s coming. With Sex and the City opening this week, your wife or girlfriend already is plotting ways to get you into the theater. After all, you did drag her to “Iron Man” several weeks ago. The question is, “Will you be able to stand it?”

There’s “sex” is in the title, and the R rating promises at least a few flashes of nudity, so that’s promising. But that darn TV show made a big deal out of girly stuff like fashion and gossip, and word is the movie revolves around a wedding. Bad sign.

Allow me, as a guy who has watched nary an episode, to prepare you for the theatrical experience.

The good news is that “Sex and the City” isn’t a bad movie. Writer-director Michael Patrick King, a major player on the HBO series, has crafted a feature that stands nicely on its own. That means even viewers who have never heard of Carrie Bradshaw quickly will grasp both the characters and plotting.

The bad news? The film is filled with women-first content, and there isn’t an explosion or car chase in the whole darn thing.

Okay, you know what?  I’m getting rather sick and annoyed by the constant condescension that seems to come with this show.  “Oh, it’s okay - you can spend a minute away from SportsCenter and do something the girl wants”… because, after all, that’s what men do, right?  Sit on the couch and watch ESPN for 18 hours a day?  Of course that’s all we do - we’re men! Why would we do more than that?  We learned it from our dads, who did nothing more than play golf with the buddies every day!  Yeah!

Here’s the deal - I didn’t drag the ESO to Iron Man.  Even if I were interested in seeing the movie, I wouldn’t drag her to that - that’s what my guy friends are for.  Similarly, if my ESO was the type of person to abandon all taste and sense and actually follow that vapid Cosmo girl porn shit (at which point she would no longer be the ESO - I’m serious here!), she could watch it with her girlfriends.  That’s what they’re there for. I don’t know who the “genius” was that said it was necessary for the guy to be into everything the girl is into, but, whoever was responsible for that “epiphany” needs to be taken out to the desert and “dealt with”, if you get my meaning.  Getting laid isn’t worth that.  Have some pride… or at least get some lotion and use that broadband connection for something useful.  Jesus.

One Response to “All Hands Abandon Shit! All Hands Abandon Shit!”

  1. # Jameson 04 Jun 2008 at 9:22 am

    There is a reason why Sex and the City came out right after Indiana Jones. Your S.O. should be going with her g/f’s to see Sex and the City. If by some god-awful chance your S.O. drags you to the movies, you send her into Sex and the City and you go see Indy for the 5th time. If you don’t, please turn in your testicles and your man card for some tampons and a box of Kleenex.

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