I mean, why else would they smear Preparation H all over themselves?

New York bouncer, blogger and author Rob Fitzgerald has noticed a trend among many of the macho young men waiting outside his clubs. He says the guys are slathering up their torsos with the hemorrhoid cream Preparation H to make themselves look “ripped” for the ladies.

Fitzgerald asked one of these guys to describe the practice for his blog, Clublife, “The way you use it is to take your shirt off and rub it all over yourself before you go to the club,” a man who gave the alias, Peter Minichiello, says. “If you want to get [lucky], you have to know how to dance, and if you want girls to dance with you, you have to look ripped.”

If by “ripped”, you mean “treat yourself like the giant, throbbing hemhorroid you are”, uh… wait, where was I?

“Applying it to one’s chest is an off-label use of Preparation H,” said Milicent Brooks, a representative of Wyeth Consumer Healthcare. “We don’t approve or endorse any off-label uses.”

Well, glad we have that established.  I wonder what other random crap I can pour on myself to convince the ladies that I’m “hot”?

“If anything, it would make your chest smaller,” said Dr. Darrell S. Rigel, clinical professor of dermatology at New York University Medical Center in New York City. “Medically, there’s nothing in there to make you bigger. If you put cayenne pepper on you, now that would do something — that would be the opposite of Preparation H.”

Cayenne pepper!  Of course!  That way, instead of being less of a hemhorroid upon society, I can instead become a giant puddle of flaming diarrhea upon every single woman in sight!  How can I, or every person unfortunate enough to be around a giant walking asshole like myself, lose?

Other products that do fun things to clubbers when poured on the body:

1. Hydrochloric Acid
2. Laboratory-Grade Hydrogen Peroxide
3. Leprous Tissue
4. Leeches
5. Urine
6. Raw Salmon
7. Iodized Salt
8. Borax
9. Any movie featuring Lindsay Lohan
10. Duct Tape

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