Funniest. Article. Ever.
Let it be said that, if more newspapers in the US wrote like this, more people would read them.
From the Guardian: An EU ban on ads with sexist overtones? Another quasi-fictional piece of translucent flimflam.
According to a pointless piece of eye-rolling anti-EU extrapolation that appeared in a number of newspapers, a smattering of MEPs are calling for the introduction of strict new advertising guidelines that could eventually lead to Eva Herzigova’s breasts being taken out and shot.
At least that’s the gist of it. As far as I can ascertain, the story largely represented a brilliant excuse to print the supermodel’s infamous Wonderbra ad for the 80 millionth time, on this occasion under the headline “Goodbye Boys”. Even though the Hello Boys campaign ran 14 years ago, editors just can’t let it lie. Rather than fading into obscurity it has, if anything, grown to represent some kind of sexual Year Zero which still haunts their collective mind’s eye to this day. Just as Philip E Marlow from Dennis Potter’s Singing Detective was obsessed by visual memories of his mum enjoying a bit of off-piste afternoon dick in a forest, so the image of a semi-naked Eva gawping with awestruck joy at her own overflowing cups is forever frozen in their consciousnesses, and they’re doomed to reproduce it again and again in a bid to help themselves and their readers come to terms with its sheer psychological impact. It wasn’t just an advert. It was the 9/11 of tits.
And now some killjoy EU busybodies want to travel back in time and ban it! Or something like that! Boo! Typical! Let’s bomb Brussels! Or maybe just France! Etc!
I don’t know why, but the idea of an exclamation mark following “Etc” just strikes me as hilariously ludicrous. There’s just something about the dissonance of a term used to indicate a nearly apathetic inability to fully enumerate a set of information and a punctuation mark whose sole function is to indicate extreme force and emotion. It just makes my funny bone resonate with tingly goodness.
Or, perhaps I’m just a geek. Sue me.
Nonetheless, “The EU vote on the report is not legally binding but it could be used by governments to justify the biggest shake-up in the industry for years.” Or it could not. Who knows? Uh-oh, we’ve accidentally printed that photo of Eva again. Argh! Only one thing for it: we’re all going to have masturbate our way back to sanity together. Right, readers? Three … two … one … go!
Yeah, the article goes on like this. I’d keep going but, well, I’m spent. Ah… bliss…
rants, sexuality | David Colborne | 
September 8, 2008 3:08 pm
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