Yep, I know - it’s been a while since I’ve put anything up here.  Much of that stems to the new child in the house; for some reason, having an infant in the house is not conducive towards any sort of coherent thought.  To help drive that point home, today’s blog is going to be about why I shouldn’t be allowed within a nautical mile of a kitchen.

Due to financial and logistical constraints, we’re eating out a lot less these days in the Colborne house.  This, of course, means we have to cook our meals; unfortunately, the ESO is mildly fearful of the kitchen, so I’m the one that does the bulk of the cooking.  Throw in that she’s technically supposed to be resting (something about pushing out a seven pound object through a 12 centimeter opening, and the process of that opening growing to be 12 centimeters in the first place), and you’ve got a set of circumstances that just about guarantees that I’m manning the kitchen, for better or worse.  This, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing.  I’m not a bad cook, as long as I stay within myself.  When I start getting desperately creative, though…

One of the gifts we received from the ESO’s parents was a giant bag of frozen teriyaki chicken.  On paper, this sound great - it’s a good excuse to engage in a little Hawaiian-style cuisine, which eventually must lead to the use of Spam in something.  I like Spam.  I even wrote an ill-advised poem about it when I was 13.  Unfortunately, the ESO neither enjoys teriyaki nor Spam, to say nothing of my spiced ham-themed poetry, so my dreams of homemade Spam musubi are dashed against the rocks like so many other ill-fated dreams.  Even so, though, there is a giant bag of teriyaki chicken sitting in the freezer, taking up valuable space.  So, I decided I would try to counter the teriyaki flavor with something else and thus salvage the free protein source.

At first, my experiments went fairly well.  I used Thai peanut sauce in one dish, which went well.  Putting it in curry in another dish was also non-objectionable; the coconut milk did a wonderful job of drowning out the worst of the teriyaki flavor.  Then I thought I would step it up a notch - I was going to use eggplant.  Just one problem:  The ESO doesn’t like eggplant.  It’s too squishy.

Strrrrrrrrrrike one!

No problem, I thought to myself.  I’ll just cut the eggplant into slices and fry it with the chicken - it’ll work out some of the teriyaki flavor and, with a little time, crispify the eggplant.  Of course, to make a crispy fried product, it frequently helps to have a batter around, which I didn’t…

Strrrrrrrrrrike two!

No worries.  It’s frying, it’s browning a little, things are going well.  Then, I get the idea that the frying process won’t get enough of the teriyaki out.  It’ll just make the eggplant taste like teriyaki.  That’s not a good thing.  I need to throw something else in there to counter the taste… something like… fish sauce.

Strrrrrrrrrrike three!  You’re outta here!

After about five minutes of letting the eggplant and teriyaki chicken stew in a brew of a 1/4 cup of fish sauce and a non-inconsequential amount of olive oil, I opened the lid to see what I had.  What I had possessed a rather familiar odor - an odor so familiar that, upon smelling it, the ESO remarked, “Huh… it smells like when I’m on the rag.”  Being the wonderful, kind man that I am, I agreed wholeheartedly.

Somehow, I still have functional reproductive organs.

I’d tell you how it tasted, but I wasn’t that brave - we just chucked the whole thing in the trash can, threw it out as fast as possible, then I ran down to Jack ‘N The Box and got some drive-thru.  It smelled better than what I was cooking.  Naturally, I remarked that we were going to have to “eat out” after that cooking fiasco.

Again, somehow, I still have functional reproductive organs.

For the record, the “Stuff Nerds Like” series isn’t over.  I have another one that I’m working on and, with any luck, will post tomorrow.  You’ve been warned.  We’re getting back on that train with gusto.  Besides, as long as I keep agreeing that my cooking smells like the ESO’s reproductive organs, I’m probably not going to be seeing them for a while, so I’m going to have nothing but time on my hands.

Good idea:  Contacting the authorities when you’re being discriminated against while searching for an apartment.

Bad Idea: Contacting the authorities when you’re being discriminated against while searching for an apartment because you’re an illegal alien. (H/T Cardoza)

(AP) Anne Hobbs was angry. The head of the Nebraska Equal Opportunity Commission had just learned of a Hispanic couple who said their landlord asked for their driver’s licenses _ but didn’t ask the same of non-Hispanic tenants.

Hobbs said it sounded like the couple were “treated differently than everybody else because of national origin,” and sent the case to the state’s top prosecutor, hoping he would sue on their behalf under fair housing laws.

When Attorney General Jon Bruning received the case, he was angry, too _ for a different reason than Hobbs.

“I’m not going to use taxpayer dollars to file lawsuits for illegal aliens,” said Bruning after learning the couple was in the U.S. illegally. “You’re not going to get a free lawyer” from his office, he said, “if you’re not a citizen of this country.”

Okay, here’s a quick little lesson in economics for everyone.  Attorneys cost money.  Attorney Generals and their staffs are paid for using money (as opposed to, y’know, goats, corn, or Nebraska football season tickets).  This money comes from taxpayers.

Guess what an illegal immigrant probably isn’t?  That’s right - a taxpayer.

Yes, I know that illegal immigrants can pay sales taxes, and, since they’re probably renting, they’re undoubtedly helping their landlords to pay property taxes, as well.  That’s great on the state level in states that don’t have an income tax, which, incidentally, is a group that Nebraska does not belong to.  However, they still can’t pay federal taxes (no SSN means no payroll taxes), at least not without a certain level of difficulty and fraud, so they’re still comparable freeloaders, which means that, yes, they aren’t entitled to all of the same services that legal tax paying citizens are entitled to.  One of those services is access to a state-provided attorney in a discrimination suit.

But wait!, you’re undoubtedly thinking to yourself, doesn’t the Constitution demand that the state provide an attorney?

Yes it does - in cases where you are being accused, not in cases where you are prosecuting.  In short, you have the right to defend yourself in court, and you have a right to an attorney when you are being taken to court.  Amendment VI does not explicitly say that only citizens have that right, either, so (Note:  I am not a lawyer) that probably means that an illegal immigrant would have a right to an attorney in such a circumstance.  However, when you are filing a discrimination complaint, you are not being accused of anything - instead, you’re taking advantage of a service which the state has generously provided for you to use an attorney provided by the state on your behalf to prosecute someone.

To summarize:  Nebraska Cornhusker Lawyers 1, Illegal Immigrant Asstards 0.