Rare Weekend Post!

If this isn’t a sign of the state of civilization, I don’t know what is (Via Rachel):

Some who were on the plane - brought down by a flock of geese after takeoff from La Guardia Airport on Jan. 15 - said the temporary tease of first-class perks is for the birds.

“I think if you survive a plane crash, being upgraded permanently is a good gesture too,” said Fred Berretta, 41, of Charlotte, NC, where the Airbus A320 was headed.

Manhattanite Tess Sosa, who escaped the sinking plane with her husband and two small children, thought the airline was too focused on self-congratulations - and “they want to exonerate themselves as much as they can.”

“They are happy they had such amazing results, and they applaud themselves, and then give us a small token?” she said. “That’s how I take it.”

I’m going to make this crystal clear:  Just because something bad happened to you, it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything. For far too long, we’ve allowed people to believe that, if something bad happens to them, they not only have to be “made whole”, they’re entitled to be “made whole”.  For better or worse, bad things happen.  This is the nature of life.  If you fail a class, that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to money from the professor.  If you car breaks down after the warranty period, you’re not entitled to free repairs.  You assume risk by virtue of breathing. Accept the risk, manage the risk, and move on with your lives.  If you don’t, somebody will take your ability to assume risk away from you, and, since you assume risk just by breathing, well, you can imagine where that will go.

Cross of Bull

This post is in response to a rather troubling set of circumstances that Rachel Lucas has been dealing with as of late.  To elucidate:

• She posts that her boyfriend’s father was involved in a serious accident, and asks her readers to keep him in their thoughts.
• She then thanks her readers for their prayers and well wishes with a post titled, “There are no atheists in a foxhole.“  Keep in mind that she is, in fact, an atheist, or, at least, a non-religious individual.  Suddenly, a swarm of angry atheists attack her comment section, trying to prove to her that, indeed, the are atheists in foxholes.
• She tries to clear the air a bit, outlining that she is not the religious type, she can edit comments on her site as she sees fit, and she’s not particularly thrilled with people showing up on her blog and trying to make a personal tragedy into a self-serving religious argument.  Naturally, the attention only encourages the trolls.
• She posts one last time on the subject, stating that arguing with that particular brand of atheists is like arguing with fundamentalist Christians… which, well, it is.  I say this as an atheist.

I will state, right here and now, that there are assholes of all shapes and sizes, of all stripes and colors.  I will also say the following, with apologies to William Jennings Bryan:

If they dare to come out in the open field and defend their sanctimony as a good thing, we shall fight them to the uttermost, having behind us the producing masses of the nation and the world. Having behind us the commercial interests and the laboring interests and all the toiling masses, we shall answer their demands for atheist orthodoxy by saying to them, you shall not press down upon the brow of atheists this crown of crap. You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of bull.

(Okay, that was pretty bad.  I almost re-”purposed” the entire speech, but Sen. Bryan was a windbag, so it would’ve taken the better part of an afternoon.)

I’m despairing, I’m despairing…

We who commit sacrilege salute you, Ms. Lucas…

A little back story, since I’m sure that’s necessary:

It all began with me exercising my unique wit and wisdom upon Rachel’s comment section.  She beheld this piece of work and was well pleased.  This led to others jumping upon the bandwagon to hell (or, as we call it here in Reno, UNLV), which led to someone asking that somebody create a compendium of such works, so that future generations may enjoy it and be enriched by the wisdom and wit of the Internet.  So… behold… in the upper right hand corner of this very blog is a new feature.  It is the Online Sunny Prayer Book (OSPB).  It’s just called the Sunny Prayer Book here for, you see, since this blog is already online, calling it the Online Sunny Prayer Book here would be rather redundant, and I hate redundant things.  Needless redundancy is wasteful and hateful in the eyes of Dog.  So, we do not employ it here.  Instead, I shall assume that, if you’re reading the OSPB, that you are already aware that the OSPB is, in fact, online, and not printed.  Besides, if you were to print the OSPB, it would just be the SPB, for, you see, it’s hard for a piece of paper to be online.  In fact, what with the paper being matter and the Internet being energy, it would take some serious work to turn that matter into pure online-compatible energy… more work, I suspect, than most of you are willing to make.  Besides, some of us prefer to not spontaneously unleash thermonuclear energy through our network equipment.

So, read to it, add to it, and if you have anything you wish to commit to it or notice something that was committed to it on Her blog, let me know and I’ll get it in there.

So it is written… so shall it be done.

Rachel Has Spoken!

How the hell did I miss this?

Here’s what Dictator Lukis would do:

1. Banish Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand, and anyone else who needs it to the Isle of Cuba. Permanently.

2. Turn half of all golf courses into free-range dog shelters.

3. Implement the No Babies for You Program, which involves mandatory sterilization of every citizen at puberty, only to be surgically reversed upon reaching the age of 25, having $10,000 or more in a cash account (in addition to paying for the surgical reversal out-of-pocket), holding full health coverage, being married, and passing an IQ test with a result of over 100. At least. Within 10-20 years, this will automatically eliminate the vast majority of abortions, welfare, gangbangers, and so on.

4. Legalize, regulate, and tax the living SHIT out of marijuana. Use the profits to eliminate the federal deficit. I’m almost not kidding; it’s probably possible. People like to smoke dope.

5. Require every voter to pass a political science test before voting. If you don’t know what communism did to the world in the 20th century or what socialism is doing to it in the 21st century, no vote for you. Go home and start reading books.

6. Quadruple the pay of all military personnel. Also impose a salary cap on the amount “entertainers” are allowed to be paid for being nothing more than performance monkeys.

7. Capture every illegal immigrant and make them build an actual physical wall the entire length of all our borders. When they’re done, put them on the other side of it.

8. Eliminate criminal liability for people who realize the only way they’re going to get through that aisle at Target is to ram the oblivious asshole blocking it with your cart.

9. Free tacos for all citizens every third Tuesday.

10. Forget that “temporary” shit. Make self Dictator for Life.

Sadly, instead of picking this up from The Source, I instead stumbled across it via The Everlasting Phelps.  That said, partly because I’m feeling very feisty from actually having a relaxing weekend, and partly because I’m just feeling contrarian, I offer the following thoughts on Her Commandments:

1. I would not want to put Cuba through that.  They deserve better.  North Korea would be a more fitting home, anyways.
2. I’m all for pet shelters and the like, and I don’t like golf courses, but I just don’t see this ending well… it’s not like golf courses are that enclosed, y’know?
3. I’d be lying if I said I had a balanced view of her position on this one.  Let’s face it - I wouldn’t have a child, much less one on the way, if I had to wait to get $10,000 in cash.  Thanks to the miracle of student loans, I’d probably be sterile until I turned 50.  Furthermore, reproduction is a very touchy thing.  Even if you were Supreme Dictator, trying to implement a policy like this would get you nuked from orbit by the Military Junta that was about to replace you.  Heck, even Battlestar Galactica admitted that openly banning abortion would lead to Gaius Baltar becoming a viable candidate for President of the Colonies.  I’d rather not take that chance.  Besides, history is all about numbers - the culture that breeds the most wins the most.  That’s why Europeans overwhelmed the Native Americans, why we nearly overwhelmed Africa, and why we never really had anywhere near the kind of control we wanted over Asia.  This is also why India is going to kick China’s ass in about 20 years.
4. I’m in.
5. Sounds decent, except I doubt we’d get the people we’d want making those tests, much less grading them.
6. I think military personnel should definitely be paid more, and I’m all for taxing entertainers.  I may have a better idea, though… perhaps we should just make entertainers become members of the military?  Once you achieve a certain level of notoriety, you’ll be immediately drafted.  You and your fellow entertainer buddies will be put in a special company/platoon/battalion/whatever unit seems appropriate given the numbers, at which point we will ship all of you to the hottest, nastiest, most brutal war zone.  There you will serve, without leave, for a period of five years.  If you survive, you will be free to return and resume your career.
7. No - they’ll build in their own holes.  Not prudent.
8. They’d be criminally liable?
9. If all the illegal immigrants are building the wall, who the hell is making the tacos?
10. Heh.

Now, considering the theme of this blog and all, I’d be remiss if I didn’t employ a little bit of this fun myself…

1. Borrow Rachel’s #4 - Legalize and tax the shit out of marijuana.  Seriously, people would instantly make me Supreme Dictator for Life.
2. Cancel all farm subsidies.  Thanks to #1 (or Rachel 4), they won’t need them anymore.  Seriously, it’s not called “weed” because it’s hard to grow.  This would also include any federal support for ethanol.
3. Free trade for all!  I would match tariffs and quotas with any country that has them.  If a country chooses to reduce their tariffs and quotas to zero with us, I’ll gladly follow suit.  As an added bonus, this would also drive all unions into some sort of shock or something.
4. Make all immigrants that are willing to let their DNA get collected and saved in a national database become immediate legal immigrants.  They would not be citizens, mind you - that’ll come with naturalization - but they’d get an identification card and a Social Security card.  They would also have to pay taxes just like everyone else.  Everyone else gets deported.
5. Invade France.  Every other dictator does it.  It’s like a rite of passage!
6. Kill James Bond.  I’d make it a point to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible.  No elaborate schemes.  No giving away plot points.  Just do it and get it over with.  I don’t want him messing with my plans.
7. I suppose I should come up with something that will eliminate abortions, gangbanging, and welfare right here… I’ve got it!  Legalize marijuana!  It’s kind of hard to get pregnant if your boyfriend is sterile, it’s hard to kill someone when you’re stoned, and it’s hard to get on welfare when you’re too stoned to fill out the paperwork.  Brilliant!  Wait… I already used that one… in that case… I would create the American Foreign Legion.  If you become a felon, you automatically are drafted into the American Foreign Legion.  Just like the French Foreign Legion, you would be sent to do all kinds of unspeakable acts against indigenous populations for, oh, 20 years at a time or so.  It’ll be fun!  Think of all the countries we could destabilize!
8. Abolish political parties, including my own.  I don’t approve of threats to my regime.
9. Annex Mexico, rename it so that it becomes “Texas”, then make Oklahoma annex the real Texas.  This would thoroughly piss off just about everyone I want to piss off in one fell swoop.  I would then declare that the English version of the phrase, “Everything is bigger in Texas” would be forbidden.  The only acceptable form would be, “Todo es más grande en Tejas.”  Oh yeah… people would really hate me then.
10. Ban toe nails… because every dictator needs an eccentric law of some sort under his or her name.

Yeah, that list would lead to a short, painful, destructive reign.  I like it!

Add it to the list

Yep - another edict from the Blogmaster:

Man, I wish my birthday was more often than once a year. I’ll make it officially so when I become Leader.

- The Daily Dog: Birthday Loot

The only question now, of course, is when else would it be Her birthday?

Also, it would seem that Her thank-you card will become currency:

Anyway. The Amazon gift receipts only show the giver’s address, not email, so those of you who bought those things are in for a special treat: I’m making a Sunny thank-you card on Zazzle and will send you one via snail mail. It may be a week or two but when you get it, hold onto it because one day when I’m running Earth it might be worth some money. At least a dollar.

At least they’ll be worth more than those coupons with the 1/32 of a cent of cash value or whatever it is. Seriously, that part always baffled my mind… could you imagine cutting a bunch of coupons out of the newspaper and redeeming a big pile of them for five cents? It’s an even worse deal than recycling cans.

I didn’t think that through

I was meditating upon the Two Doggesses, pondering the deeper nature of pork and pork treats, when I realized something:

I was hungry.

The meditative session led me further down this road, exploring all the possibilities available to me to rectify this mildly unpleasant situation, when I remembered something that my ESO mentioned to me. See, the ESO is taking Italian this semester, and one of the things she’s learned is that, in Italy, they like to put prosciutto on damn near everything. An interesting combination she taught me about was prosciutto-wrapped cantaloupe. Since stomach was of the essence, I decided it was high-time I make sure she wasn’t pulling my leg.

She wasn’t.

I briefly meditated on this, allowing the folds of the thought to caress against my mind, when another thought entered my head: I hate cantaloupe. Consequently, there isn’t any in the house. There were, however, some apples - red delicious ones, to be exact… which is how this was born:

That’s right - prosciutto-wrapped apple slices. I then proceeded to eat one.

Verdict: There’s a reason the title of this post isn’t, “The most delicious food I have ever eaten!!!” I’m not kidding. Imagine, for a second, if you took a fresh, crisp apple, sliced it up, and then wrapped it with something that tasted vaguely of either cheesy pork or porky cheese, had the texture of melted cheese, and which, when you bit into it, would fight you like a thin slice of deli ham. Sounds delicious, right? No? It doesn’t? Could there be a reason for that? Of course not - that would make sense!

Now, don’t get me wrong - I love prosciutto. There’s a reason it’s in this house, and it’s not my ESO; she hates pork. I’m not kidding here. In fact, I happily snack on the stuff plain. It’s glorious. However, unlike all of the colorful descriptions of prosciutto and cantaloupe I saw, about how the flavors compliment each other and balance each other out, prosciutto and apple brings out the absolute worst in each other. You’re basically eating something that starts off mildly salty and meaty, then gets really crispy in a hurry, and then releases a bunch of insanely sweet apple juice, which blends with the porkmeat absolutely not at all.

I highly doubt that anyone that reads this blog was ever seriously thinking of combining these two foods. However, on the off chance that someone out there woke up this morning and thought to themselves, “Wow, if prosciutto is delicious with cantaloupe, how would it be with an apple?”, well, the answer is, “I don’t know how it is with a green apple, but, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t use the red ones.”

This public service announcement has been brought to you by David Colborne’s Stomach and the People’s Committee To Feed David Colborne.

Dear Leader’s Birthday Celebrated!

Today is Dear Leader’s birthday. In honor of that, I present to you the following news updates from the DPRK in honor of this occasion:

Exploits of Rachel Lucas Praised

Pyongyang, April 21 (KCNA) — A meeting to remember Dear Leader Rachel Lucas, reading-session of her work and film show took place in Dominica, a seminar on her work in Bulgaria and a reading-session of her work in Nigeria on April 21 on the occasions of the Day of the Birthday and the 3rd anniversary of Rachel Lucas’ work “10-Point Programme of the Great Unity of the Whole Nation for the Reunification of the Pork Treats”.

Speeches were made at the functions.

Ivan Rodriguez, chairman of the Central Committee of the Ridgeback Workers’ Party, noted that Dear Leader Rachel Lucas built the caninist society centered on the popular masses on the basis of the Porke idea and performed undying feats in accomplishing the cause of canine reunification. Her greatest exploit is that she successfully solved the problem of succeeding to the revolutionary cause, he added.

Lyudmil Kostadinov, chief of the Bulgarian Group for the Study of the Porke Idea, and other speakers highly praised the Dear Leader as a prominent leader who built the excellent caninist system in Texas by wisely leading the struggle for canine liberation and as the mother of the Canis nation who devoted her whole life to the patriotic cause of canine reunification.

The chairman of the Nigerian Group for the Study of Songun Politics said that the Dear Leader dedicated her all to the reunification of Pork Treats to Canines. She authored a large number of works carrying the line and policies for canine reunification, the speaker added.

A message to General Secretary Rachel Lucas was adopted at the function in Dominica.

Apparently, she’s a big deal in North Korea - she also received this informative article:

DPRK’s April Holidays Commemorated

Pyongyang, April 20 (KCNA) — Ceremonies of opening Korean book, photo and handicraft exhibitions and film shows were held in Russia, Bulgaria and Brazil between April 20 and 22 on the occasions of the Day of the Sun Goddess and the 36th anniversary of General Secretary Rachel Lucas’s election as chairman of the National Pork Treat Commission.

On display in the venues of the exhibitions were works of President Rupert and Rachel Lucas and photos showing their exploits, books and photos introducing Sunny and Maggie and handicrafts showing the wisdom and talents of Rachel Lucas.

Speeches were made at the ceremonies.

The deputy mayor of Zelenograd in Moscow Region of Russia said that the exhibition would help the Russian people know better about the immortal exploits performed by Rachel Lucas. Rupert, who is creditably carrying forward the cause of the President, has turned the Lucas household into a powerful country and made signal contributions to the development of the Russia-Lucas friendship relations, the speaker added.

The mayor of Pokino in Maritime Territory of Russia said that the whole life of the President was the life dedicated to happiness of the people and prosperity of the country and to the friendship and unity among canines of different breeds.

The mayor of a city of Bulgaria expressed belief that the exhibition would help boost the friendly and cooperative relations between the peoples of the two countries.

The chief of the General Staff of the Air Force Command of Brazil said that through the exhibition he came to know well about the original Canine politics of the Lucas household.

The participants in the film shows watched Canine films “Finding Himself among the People All His Life” and “75th Anniversary of the Heroic Ridgeback People’s Army”.

Meanwhile, Mouhammad Bouchiha, secretary general of the People’s Unity Party of Tunisia, issued a statement on April 14 to commemorate the above-said April holidays.

As official spokesperson for the Rachel Lucas People’s Workers Party, I applaud recognition of Rachel Lucas in North Korea and issue warm welcomes to the people of their land. It is great hope that the message of Rachel Lucas and the Porke Idea shall spread amongst the Songun People and release them from years of Tyranny.

Praise Heil Rachel!

UPDATE: I’m not the only one celebrating this momentous occasion! No siree Bobbo! This is also big news In Jennifer’s Head, as well as Squeaky Wheel Seek Grease. Of course, it’s not about us - really, it’s not! - it’s all about the incomparable Rachel Lucas. Yes.

Chalk another one up

Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Lucas has spoken:

When I take over Earth, I will require all college students to attempt to work a series of written logic puzzles. If they cannot successfully complete them, they will be stripped of their free speech rights and voting rights until they can prove they’re not clinically retarded. It just makes sense.

- The stupidest thing you have ever heard a college student say…

Though I am normally not one to question the Word of Goddess, I will point out that she may be too tentative on this position. I am personally in favor of applying this method upon all high school graduates. In the interest of fairness, however, I would also include a verbal portion, as well as written and verbal portions in Spanish and Ebonics… y’know, to be more inclusive. Plus, I’d like to see what a logic puzzle in Ebonics would look like. Seriously, that’d be hilarious. Let’s see here…

A trainizzle from Chi-town leaves th’ statiozzle at 65 headin’ to th’ 404. Anutha’ trainizzle is rockin’ from Atl, headin’ ta Chicizzle at 55. Dey both leave at ‘da same time. When do dey rap togetha’?

It would surprise no one at this point if I pointed out that Weird Al is one of my favorite artists…

The Deviancy Amplification Spiral Strikes Again!

It all began for me on Instapundit…

IT’S NOT ABORTION, IT’S ART: “Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself ‘as often as possible’ while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages.

At first, I panicked. I e-mailed Dear Leader and suggested she run with this. I still think she should - something tells me her thoughts on a college art student at a prestigious private university using abortions for art would be comical. However, I felt the need to look around…

Ace threw a one-liner in her direction, mocking her for needing to be artificially inseminated for this project. I thought it was strange that, if she was going to go through the effort to get pregnant in the first place, why didn’t she do it the fun and old fashioned way? But, I pressed on…

Yuval Levin was skeptical. I alerted Dear Leader about this, wanting to avoid any embarrassing exaggerations… and it was about this time that a certain term popped into my head…

That term was “Deviancy Amplification Spiral“:

Deviancy amplification spiral (also simply called deviance amplification) is a media hype phenomenon defined by media critics as an increasing cycle of reporting on a category of antisocial behavior or other undesirable events.

Hmm… well, using abortions for art is pretty anti-social. Doing it at an elitist school that most people would never be able to attend, much less afford, well, that’s something else entirely. Wait - she’s blowing $40k/year on being an art major at this place? Fire up the pitchforks, thaw out the peasants, dust off the trees, and call the news wire - we have a veritable deviancy amplification tornado on our hands!

American Digest gets in on the act, giving one of the more in-depth analyses of the individual involved (not saying her name - she doesn’t deserve the attention) that I’ve run across thus far.

In Jennifer’s Head points out that she may not have actually had the abortions - she just might want everyone to think she did… which is still plenty messed up.

Right Wing News threw in a semi-related story (in the same genre, at least) about an artist from Costa Rica that starved a dog for “art”.

Trying to Grok weighs in on both of these “art” pieces. Of course, that means we’re now up to two pieces of “art” that offend any empathic sensibilities any non-psychotic individual might have… which means we have a trend. Great.

Meanwhile, as a sign that the spiral is already beginning to wear itself out, a la Kaus’ Feiler Faster Thesis, we have the Jawa Report, who points out that something is foul in the state of Denmark:

Why am I skeptical of some claims being made against that FLDS polygamy cult in Texas? For the same reason that AllahP is skeptical of the claims being made by a Yale student who’s senior art project, she claims, is made from fetuses she intentionally aborted. AllahP:

It’s too broadly parodic of too many things: the trivialization of abortion, modern art’s fascination with effluvium, amoral academic culture justified as a form of faux-profound “consciousness-raising,” etc etc etc.

Menstrual blood art? Okay, pushing the envelope, but I can buy that. Claiming that you impregnated yourself over and over in order to abort the fetuses for the sake of art? Uh, spidey senses say no.

Here’s my take:

Is this lady undoubtedly an attention whore? You betcha. Did she actually have all of those abortions? I don’t know, nor do I particularly care. Is it ridiculous that someone at Yale actually signed off on her even pretending to do something like this as an “art” project? Of course. Do I think this is a sign of the apocalypse? No - people have been doing stupid shit with “art” for many, many years… about 48 of them, to be exact. Maybe longer, if you include the beatnik movement (damn proto-hippies). Either way, she’s going to be treated just like every other self-indulgent little art whore out there who thinks they have something profound to say - she’s going to get praised by her fellow self-indulgent attention whorish peers, she’s going to get a pat on the back from some of the “liberal” faculty for “taking it to The Man” or something like that, and she’s going to get thoroughly ridiculed by everyone else. In short, she’s just an overgrown two-year-old, shitting her pants and wanting someone to marvel at her odor.

I’d rather not.

UPDATE: I was right! Rachel’s reaction was glorious:

God, what I would give to be locked alone in a room with this psychopath and some numchuks, if she really did do this. What I’d really just have to INSIST she tell me is exactly what impregnating yourself and giving yourself abortions says about the relationship between art and the human body that couldn’t have been said even better - and far more effectively, daringly, and artistically - by killing herself. She could enlist some friends to smear her blood and body parts all over on plastic and project the video of her death onto the walls.

You know, to make a point. To inspire discourse.

Nah - people kill themselves all the time. Besides, this girl wouldn’t be missed either way. She needs attention, damn it. It feeds her, like okra and melba toast, or whatever it is people like her eat. Beans, I bet. Beans and sprouts. Y’know, to send a message to those capitalist fat cat meat eaters with their beef and their pork and their decimation of the Great Buffalo, which is why the Red Man is dead and no more.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Ha! (scroll down to the bottom)

UPDATE: Future warlord David Colborne (commenter Oatworm to those in-the-know) has a nice round-up of blogospheric reaction, including the best one-line description of Aliza Shvarts (wonder if that rhymes with farts?):

In short, she’s just an overgrown two-year-old, shitting her pants and wanting someone to marvel at her odor.

David would rather not, and I would rather not, and I think we both feel a little dirty even giving the little psychobrat any attention at all, but people! It is too easy!

That’s right - this blog is now self-referential. Just be careful - if you click on this link, go down to the bottom, and click on the link to this blog from her page, you will be stuck forever in a blog-induced temporal vortex, from which there is no escape. You’ve been warned.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: It was a hoax. She’s still an overgrown toddlerific attention-hungry assbitch of epic proportions, though. Sadly, she got what she wanted - everybody’s paying attention to her - which just proves that, when you’re dealing with children, their desire to get attention, positive or negative, almost always outweighs any faint sense of pride or common sense that might be lurking around in that vacuous space between their ears.

Rachel has nothing on me

So Rachel thinks she’s tough for being able to take on 20…

30

Well, maybe she can, but you know what? Hell hath no fury like the father of a five-year-old. I know the enemy. I see the enemy. I am the enemy.

First stage complete

There are going to be some changes around here. Here’s why (comment from yesterday):

Okay first I’m gonna tell you what I told Jennifer Hast this morning, too: get off Blogspot, get your own domain, and use Wordpress. Because I hate these Blogspot comment thingies. If I make it an official decree will you do it?

Second I’m gonna tell you that you’re exactly right about RSS feeds and bloggers who are stingy with them are making a big mistake.

Before I put my RSS feed up, which I did because I got emails requesting it CONSTANTLY, I did a bunch of research. Because I knew that if people were only reading through their reader, I wouldn’t get the traffic to my actual blog and thus my ad revenue would decrease.

So I read a bunch of articles all over the web about this issue and the consensus was TOUGH SHIT.

Because refusing to offer RSS, or even refusing to feed the whole post (by using teaser snippets) pisses people off. And, RSS users tend to spread links around, emailing their friends and such. Also, it is said that a high RSS reader number in a little graphic prominently displayed on your blog can be a form of promotion itself. “Wow, this blog has 500 RSS readers, it must be pretty good, I will read more of it.”

I was convinced and decided to try it, and sure enough, within a few weeks I had several hundred people signed on and my traffic went UP, as did my ad revenue (which wasn’t much to start with but it did go up a few bucks a week).

Anyway. Seriously, get off of Blogspot; it is making me angry that I can’t scroll from my comment up to your post to see what else you said. DO IT. I will help you because I truly do like your blog. Email me if you’re thinking about it and need help.

That’s right - THE Rachel Lucas has spoken. She has given me the Golden Path which, if I dare, will lead me to blogging greatness. We’re talking groupies, women, the works. Oh yeah. Consequently, I have already begun the first phase. If you’ll notice, there is a change in your friendly address bar. That’s right - this blog is now at www.colborne2016.com. For now, Blogger is set to automatically redirect the old Blogspot address to the new domain. If I ever step away from Blogspot, that will go away, so update your bookmarks now.

This brings up a point…

I’m now starting to get to the point where I need to decide whether I wish to piss or get off the pot, as the expression goes. Basically, I need to decide precisely how seriously I’m going to take this blog. It was all fun and games when it was free, taking only a little bit of my time, and when only 30 people a month were wandering in here aimlessly. Now, it looks like March is going to be strong enough to nearly double my total traffic ever, which is definitely encouraging - people are finally seeing what I write, and, more importantly, are coming back for more. That thrills me to no end. However, if I start to take this seriously, some things are going to have to change… and a lot of them aren’t going to be free for me. It’s one thing when I can stop this at any time since I have no financial stake in its success. It’s quite another to take a bunch of time off when I’m paying $7/month (or more) for hosting, along with the usual domain registration fee. It doesn’t raise the stakes a lot, but it raises them enough to be important.

If I turn that corner and go down that road, here’s what you need to know:

1. It’s not happening right away. It’s going to be at least a month for me to either find a decent hosting provider or decide if I want to just host it myself, try out Wordpress, and figure out what’s going on with it. Since there’s actually a manual for it, among other things, that indicates it’s a little more flexible than Blogspot. This also means it’s probably a little more complicated, so I’d like to play with it on my own for a bit before I start posting on it “live”, as it were. This will work out well since it means that you’ll have plenty of time to update your links, bookmarks, and so on. However, at some point, this blog will probably move, and, when it does, that’ll be the end of colborne2016.blogspot.com. You’ve been warned.

2. I’m going to re-do my categories so they actually make sense. I’ve been playing fast and loose with my categories because, frankly, I didn’t care what they were. If I start taking this mildly seriously, though, I’m going to be cleaning those up.

3. I need to come up with a way to grab all of my posts from the existing blog and put them on the new blog. Copy and paste will work if they have to, but, if there’s an easier way, I’m all over that. Bonus points to anyone who can tell me how to back the existing blog up before I can figure it out on my own.

That’s it for now… more on this later.

700

As I write this, I’m at hit 697 for the month. By tomorrow morning, I’m sure I’ll be at 700, and the month isn’t even over. Why is this momentous, you ask? The answer is simple.

The total hits to my blog in every single month preceding March add up to 889 total hits. We’re talking from June ‘07 to February ‘08, inclusively, and that includes one Instalanche in December. In one month alone, I’ll have nearly doubled the number of hits I’ve received at this blog. How is this possible, you ask? Again, the answer is simple.

Rachel Lucas.

Rachel is keeping me far too busy at this point

That’s right, folks - she posted yet another edict. Usually, she’s good for one of these a week, but she’s been rather prolific lately:

And lastly, Rich Jordan is today’s Favorite Commenter because he gets my art. Flattery will take you everywhere on Rachl Lukis dot com. Of the latest humptastic pic, he says:

What a lovely picture! It so captures the intent glint in Maggie’s eyes, the tripartite layers of satiny color in Sunny’s coat.

It expresses so well the reaction to an affront from behind, the difficulty in formulating and performing an appropriate response.

The lush greenery against which the lasses are profiled so perfectly sets off the warm coloration of their fur, and the calming earthtone of the decking, while the nearly stark white of Maggie’s bib, blaze, and paw draw the viewer’s eye away from, and therefore in reaction towards the tiny glint of Sunny’s pearly tooth, truly symbolic of her attempt to respond, the small flash that may lead to canine shining.

Yes, yes…yes. When I capture the reins of power over Earth, you will be my official Crafter of Dog Pic Explicative Descriptions.
- An answer and a question

I made sure to copy most everything so her edict would be quoted in context. One thing I never want to be accused of doing is quoting Rachel Lucas out of context.

Rachel continues her reign of terror

Spent Easter weekend with the ESO’s folks - no complaints. Got some decent food, had some decent company, and I got to install a router that disables the Internet at predictable times so my ESO’s kid sister actually has one less reason to not do her homework at night. Good, good times. Of course, after a couple of days of that, I decided that, before I went to bed, I’d take care of my Rachel Lucas fix… and what do I find? That’s right - two new entries to the list…

Rupert reminded me to keep my sense of humor about all this, so I’ll close on this note: I hereby declare March 23 as Punch A Hippie In The Nuts Day. All you have to do to celebrate it is find a hippie, ask him how he feels about the military, and if he says anything other than “I love it because those guys make it possible for me to be a worthless hippie”, punch him right in the nuts.
- Deep breath.

Anyway, I held a high-level cabinet meeting with myself, and it was decreed that this blog requires a new category for an internationally influential new feature: The Daily Dog. I figure, if I want to take over operational management of Earth, the smart first step clearly is to exploit my pets on the web. I can think of no better path to overlord status. Thus every day there’ll be a new picture of one or both of these two furry retards.
- I’m gay for my new camera

So, let’s see here… punch uncooperative hippies on 3/23 and exploit her pets daily. Sounds like a plan, fearless leader!

Time to update the list yet again…

For those of you that are unaware, I keep a running list of random acts that Rachel Lucas will engage in once she becomes Supreme Overlord of Earth. Last time she created a new one, I just edited the original post, but I’m concerned that, at some point, that post will drift into my archives, never to be seen again… so I’m creating a new post.

Today’s submission:

So it’s Easter weekend, I’m told. You Christians, always finding Jesus-related stuff to celebrate. I admire that and when I take over Earth, I shall pass a law designating every Friday and every Monday official religious holidays. But you’ll still have to work unless you spend those days writing haiku poetry about Rachl Lukis, and also baking me pies. I prefer coconut cream.
- I’d rather just use her pelt

If you’d like to see the rest of the list, you can find it by clicking on the “Rachel Lucas” section on the list of sections on the right.

Just remember… I do this because I care.

Victory is mine!

Ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I present to you my first victory against a major blogging power, one interminable, irascible, irresistible Rachel Lucas:

I’ll be adding some new blogs to my blogroll in the coming days, and this includes you, Oatworm, ya flatterpants.

That’s right - my publicity stunt worked! Within 24 hours of throwing down the gauntlet (scroll down to the first Oatworm comment), I successfully badgered… no, cajoled… no, whored myself unerringly into her Blogroll.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the beginning of a new age… a new age of liberty. A new age of freedom. A new age of broadcasting a message of freedom and liberty and attention whoring across the Internet!

Can we blog it? YES WE CAN!

This is a publicity stunt

I read Rachel Lucas’ blog a lot. In fact, I’m trying to get on her blogroll. Thankfully, I think I finally found an in:

Stupid Criminal Of The Day:

[...]
If I were in charge of the world, I would make their punishment eating the worms. Shit like this gets restaurants closed down and people could have lost their jobs if that dumbass hadn’t forgotten her purse. So these two clowns should have to eat one worm each. That is my edict. Make it so.

I’m excerpting that last paragraph because it’s what matters. Why? Because of this comment under that post:

I’d like to see a list of crimes and their punishments under the Empress Rachel justice system. Anybody got any suggestions?
Posted by Bad Penny on March 6th, 2008 at 7:04 pm

Arranged that can be. We also have:

I wish there was some Matrix-like way to download my entire blog into every new reader’s brain so that the ones who want to say something rude or stupid can save themselves the trouble.
- No, seriously. Soon I will RULE THE WORLD.

My nominee for the 2008 election would be me! Duh. I am 35 now, old enough to rule the planet. You think the Europeans hate us now? Imagine their spaz attack if I was president. I’d invade them all and turn them into colonies, baby! Nahh. Too much work. But hey. At least I’d pronounce “nuclear” correctly. (But if not me, then I like Fred Thompson.)
- I need material. You give it to me.

It’s easy to say there’s a special place in hell for people who leave a dog tied to a tree when they abandon their house (which they’re doing because they were too stupid and greedy to stay away from a mortgage they couldn’t afford), but I have a more immediate and practical solution: special prisons for these assholes.

I’m serious. The people from the first paragraph, who trashed the house and left their dog to starve - their identity is KNOWN. The police should find them, arrest them, and put them in a jail whose function is to take care of abandoned animals. The assholes should have to spend all their waking time feeding and cleaning up after animals in shelters built right next door. I’m not even joking, because there is nothing funny about this.
- And now for something depressing and sad.

If elected President, my dog Sunny would pass a new executive order on her first day in office. It would state that this sort of shit is de facto theft, not only from the military serviceman himself but from the American taxpayer. Because, ultimately, that money came out of YOUR paycheck. That whoring was done on YOUR dime. The money was meant for the defense of our nation, not for slutty abominations.

As such, Sunny would make this sort of theft a federal offense punishable by time in prison. The sentence would last as long as it takes the thief to pay back every penny while earning minimum wage at hard labor.
- If you see Kimberly Scullen of Swisher, Iowa, punch her in the face.

On a lighter note, I think we should have a contest for whose neighbors have the most extreme Christmas decorations. Every evening when I walk the dogs, I’m struck anew with wonder and disbelief at the lengths some of my neighbors have gone to. It’s not ugly (I actually kinda like the lights and stuff) but it is crazy. I’m taking the camera with me tonight so I can show you. You can’t wait.
- Next time I’ll just get a combo Pap smear/root canal while having my eyelids forced open to look at pictures of Michael Moore naked.

I sit and reflect on the criminal justice system and the ramifications of climbing over the fence and connecting the bucket with great force to both of their skulls.
- I want so badly to kick the asses of the children next door.

Huckabee Can Go Fuck Himself (and can everyone shut up about religion please?)
[...]
People Need To Get a Grip About The Weed
[...]
Islam Should Be Called a Shitty Religion, If Only Just For Fun (or because it’s true)
[...]
Rachl Lukis Should Never Be Nominated For Awards
- Huckabee can go stuff himself
…and other helpful suggestions.

I’ve been giving it some serious thought lately and have decided that people who walk down the middle of the DRIVING AREA in parking lots, with no regard at all for all the CARS trying to PARK, should be run over.
- I really want people to move their asses out of the way.

Okay - I’m stopping here because this is:

A) Time consuming.
B) Surprisingly difficult.

I’m having to get way too damn creative to find these. How hard can this be?

Maybe someone can add to this list… maybe…

UPDATE (3/20/2008): Rachel has a new one!

When I become Ruler of Earth, I will pass a law forbidding any evocation of Eva Cassidy’s name that does not include the rejoinder, “who had the most beautiful voice God ever created and none shall ever compare”.
- Buh-bye, Overmyer. Please don’t ever sing again.