Originally from Breda:

Created by OnePlusYou

It’s been a while since I’ve lucidly explained a plank on my platform, and by “a while”, I mean, “I can’t remember the last time I was lucid about anything”. Thankfully, this article snapped me back into attention, realizing that no candidate has voiced a clear, definitive policy regarding zombies. Not even Stephen Colbert, who is normally a visionary in such matters. So, I will take a stand, right here and now, and elucidate my stance on zombies.

Zombies are a concern in America, and understandably so. They take our jobs, bite our women, eat our children, and are considered a threat to the American way of life by many in this country. I recognize and respect that stance. That said, zombies are here to stay, despite previous attempts from generations past to remove them from this country. Consequently, I am a firm believer in comprehensive zombie management reform, which should take the following form:

1. All zombies must register and identify themselves with all appropriate public agencies. Ideally, all zombies would carry an identification card, and all zombie dental records would be stored in a centralized database accessible to all local, state, and national law enforcement agencies.
2. Zombies that attempt to reproduce through biting American citizens will be deported to their home country, which we shall assume is Mexico.
3. Until a zombie has proven that he/she/it can be a productive member of American society by maintaining gainful employment for no less than two years and paying taxes during that time, said zombie will not be eligible for citizenship. All zombies will also have no more than three months upon zombification to become productive members of American society before they are deported to their home country, which, again, shall be assumed to be Mexico.

I believe that this is a fair and humane solution to the zombie problem, addressing the key economic and physical concerns of our citizens as they continue to adjust to life with our zombie neighbors.