On Rachel’s site, a comment I posted became the genesis of an entire slough of Rachel-themed prayers. Being a firm believer that sacrilege should be nurtured and encouraged, I present to you… the Online Sunny Prayer Book (OSPB). To that end:

The Blogger’s Prayer
Divined by David Colborne

There is no God. Only Rachel.

Our blogger, which art in Texas,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy ridgeback come,
Thy will be done, in blog,
As it is in the ‘Net.
Give us this day our Daily Hate,
And forgive us our comments as we forgive them that comment against us,
And lead us not into vegetarianism,
But deliver us into pork treats.
For thine is the blog, and the power, and the helmet, for ever and ever.
Amen.

Hail Sunny
By PaleoMedic

Hail Sunny, full of pork,
The Wachel is with thee,
Blessed art thou amongst doggehs,
And blessed is the fruit of your (anatomically graphic word deleted by the author to spare sensitive readers).
Holy Sunny, sister of Maggie
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our dinners,
Amen

The Banhammer Commandments
By Cosmo

From the Lost book of Exodusiastes:

1 And Rachel blogged all Her words, saying,
2 I am the Wachel thy Blog, which have brought thee out of the land of Kos, out of the house of nonsense.
3 Thou shalt have no other blogs before me. Heh.
4 Thou shalt purchase any graven dog, or any likeness of any thing that is in my back yard eating pork treats, or that is in the living room wearing cute outfits, or that is in the kitchen engaging in doggy shenanigans:
5 Thou shalt visit the Zazzle and bow down thyself to them, and wear them or drink from them: for I the Rachel thy Blog am a marketing Blog, visiting the purchases of the Visa cards upon the commenters unto the third and fourth generation of them that post on me;
6 And shewing mercy unto the dozens of them that love me, and keep my rules of order and common courtesy.
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the Rachel thy Blog in vain; for the Rachel will not hold him (or her) guiltless that posteth idiotic ad hominem attacks.
8 Remember the pork treats, to keep them fresh and tasty.
9 Seven days shalt thou read and do all thy posting and Zazzle purchasing. Is that too much to ask?
10 But the seventh day is the high and holy day of the Rachel thy Blog: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: instead, lay around in thy jammies reading, posting and reviewing the week’s conversations and the postings of the Rachel thy Blog;
11 For in six days the blog explained Awesomeness, guns, politics and Sunny, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Rachel blessed the holy day, and hallowd it.
12 Honor thy commenter and thy poster that thy days may be long upon the blog which the Rachel thy Blog giveth thee.
13 Thou shalt not kill a thread with stupid comments.
14 Thou shalt not commit ad hominem attacks.
15 Thou shalt not whine.
16 Thou shalt not bear false arguments against thy fellow commenter, lest thy Rachel smite thee with a ban hammer in her mercy.
17 Thou shalt not covet the Saddest Bee mug; thou shalt purchase thy mug and other dog goodness at Zazzle. That way you won’t have to covet any of the awesomeness that thy neighbor doth already own.

Sunnycean Creed
By otcconan

We believe in one Dog,
the Mother, the all-hungry,
maker of heaven and turds,
of all that is, humped and unhumped.
We believe in one Queen, Rachl Lukiz,
the only Slave of Dog,
eternally besotten of the Rupert,
Dog from Dog, Pork from pork,
true Dog from true Dog,
besotten, not slave,
of one Being with the Rupert;
through him she ovulated.
For us and for our salvation
She came down from the park,
was incarnate of the Holy Pork and the Virgin Maggie
and became truly Dog.
For our sake she was humiliated under Rachl Lukiz;
She suffered shame and was sorrowed.
On the third day she rose again
in accordance with the bloggers;
She ascended into Photoshop
and is seated at the right hand of the Rachel.
She will come again in glory to judge the pit bulls and the cats,
and her kingdom will have no end…of pork.

The Articles of Blog Faith
By hM

1. We believe in Rachel, the Eternal Blogger, and in Her Ridgeback, Sunny Lucas, and in the Awesomeness of Maggie.

2. We believe that trolls will be punished for their own stupidity and not for the transgressions of other commenters.

3. We believe that through the advent of the Rachel Dynasty, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and tastiness of teh Pork.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Blog are: first, faith in Rachel; second, renouncement of stupidity; third, Baptism in Pork for the remission of hunger; fourth, laying on of the Ban Hammer for the wrath of Rachel.

5. We believe that commenters must be called of Rachel, by Pork, and by the Hump of Maggie, to preach the Rachel Dynasty and administer in the ordinances thereof.

6. We believe in the same format that existed in the original Rachel Lucas blog, namely, snarkiness, profanity, comments, Ban Hammer, Sunny Lucas, Pork, and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of Pork, snark, the Daily Dog, healing of liberal stupidity, comments, angering of Kos Kids, and so forth.

8. We believe the Blog to be the word of Rachel, as far as it is not devoid of Pork; we also believe the Blogger’s Prayer to be the word of Rachel.

9. We believe all that Rachel has revealed, all that She does now reveal, and we believe that she will yet reveal many great and porky things pertaining to the Rachel Dynasty.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of blogs, and in the restoration of reason; that Maggie (of the Doggie Hump) will be enshrined upon the American continent; that Sunny will reign personally over teh Pork; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive a lifetime supply of Pork.

11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty Rachel according to the dictates of our own schedules, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, and whenever they can get away with it without angering their boss.

12. We believe in being subject to Rachel, Sunny, Maggie, and Rupert, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining teh Pork.

13. We believe in being snarky, rational, all-knowing, pork-consuming, humping, and in the Ban Hammering of all out-of-control trolls; indeed, we may say we follow the admonition of Sunny — We hunger for teh Pork, we hope for teh Pork, we have endured hunger pangs, and hope to be able to endure all pangs for teh Pork. If there is anything funny, snarky, or of tastiness or good consistency, we seek after these things.

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